And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
