There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
