I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
