If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
How external is "for external use only"?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
