I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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