Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
