the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Enjoy the penises
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
