Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
