I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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