well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
