chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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