if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
