Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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