we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
After last night, I could never be a politician.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
