There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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