i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
