dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
