yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
