Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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