Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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