Walk of Shame today included voting.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Send help, water and tortillas.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
