Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
