Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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