I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
