So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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