Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
