It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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