I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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