Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
