it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
