she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
