Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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