Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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