Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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