Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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