I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
