how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
