Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
