Quick, to the slutcave!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
