So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
