So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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