apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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