Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
