You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
