My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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