I skipped work to stalk him.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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