My liver just broke up with me...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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