wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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