Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
