a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
