when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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