I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
