Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
